My New Gateway Drug

Last week I was in Geneva for a few days related to my role with the Innovation Fund.  I arrived mid-afternoon, so I quickly took a bus and headed for the historic Old City, where I soon found myself at Calvin Auditory, a small chapel next to the old cathedral that was long ago stripped of its religious symbols and whitewashed inside as a result of the confrontive preaching of John Calvin, the great reformer.  Entering this unassuming former hotbed of the Reformation, I stumbled into the rehearsal of a dozen women who were preparing for a concert of sacred choral music, a style I've grown to love more each year.  Inside this small and spare, almost tomb-like, auditorium, the lovely Latin phrases wafted all round me, as I sat quietly on the back row, trying not to be expelled from their private session.

I think of Calvin, not because I was ever much of a fan, but because I owe a debt to him and to other theologians, Catholic, Reformed and Orthodox.  I netted it out today to Janet, as we sat on a bench enjoying a little picnic on a hillside at nearby St. Michael's Abbey, before walking the Stations of the Cross there (including a powerful encounter I'll save for next Good Friday).

"Theology was my gateway drug," I announced to her. It's true: My faith needed to get past the gateway of my brain before my heart could truly become enveloped in the love of God in Christ.  I needed to believe that it all more or less made sense to me intellectually in order to ally the doubts that would revisit me regarding this somewhat radical path I/we had taken.

But now that I am hopelessly in love with Jesus, theology has become less important to me; almost an annoyance at times.  You see, I no longer have to understand how -- or even if -- the whole theological house of cards fits together just so.  In fact, I rather believe that if I could understand all that God is about, I've probably invented that god.

I find that nowadays my doubts are actually about my theology, not about God's care for me or my love for Jesus.  And I'm even finding some strange inexplicable comfort when I face those doubts head on and don't try to resolve them.  There's an honesty about it, which I hope makes me more approachable and more willing to listen to others.  I read a devotional the other day where the author, a "contemplative," demystified that term by equating it with "nonjudgmental listening."  I liked that; these days I enjoy contemplating other people's viewpoints.  I'm not afraid of doing so, I suppose because my bedrock of faith feels solid, that its foundations are set firmly in love, not in my limited understanding.

So instead, I'm finding a new gateway drug these days: sacred music, and language that is poetic enough to allow in some mystery.  And so it was that after traveling the Stations today, I went for a bike ride up Trabuco Creek Canyon while listening to a few sacred songs performed by the Westminster Chorus*, one in Latin, one Russian Orthodox, and then in English "Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go."  This last piece is a perfect illustration of my new gateway to communion with God, and a beautiful exclamation of love’s antiphonal call back to Love, and of the impact of Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

I’m pasting a YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiZ9xXoZ1Mk, which I encourage you to listen to while meditating on the lyrics below.  

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go, Lyrics by George Mattheson

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Eastertide blessings,

Cory

March 2013

*  Not to be confused with Westminster Abbey or Cathedral (though they won "Choir of the World" in 2009 in a UK contest), the Westminster Chorus is a group of over 100 young men from Orange County, CA.  All are under age 35, and they've won every international barbershop competition they've entered since 2007-- they are the future of barbershop singing, but they do so much more…  http://www.westminsterchorus.org/  They are worth any chance to hear them perform.  The album is featured on their website, or buy it here:  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0041990H0/ref=dm_sp_alb  By the way, the other two sacred songs I mentioned are from the same album: Bogoroditse Devo and Lux Aurumque.