Treasuring Our Debts

“Forgive us our debts,” we pray. But may we never forget them.  There is one type of debt I hold tightly in my mind and heart: my debt to others along my journey.  The past few years, I've had some amazing opportunities to honor some debts (I can't possibly repay them), and the other day I suddenly became overwhelmed with gratitude for the reward of doing so…

I've never forgotten Ned, my manager at IBM in 1980, who looked me in the eye one day and said, "I'm not sure this is really where your passions are." I was young and insecure, so I took his words as a challenge and a character deficit, and I worked extra hard to prove him wrong.  But over the ensuing weeks and months, I also lowered my guard in quieter moments and pondered his comment.  Eighteen months later, I walked into his office and told him I was leaving IBM to join World Vision and serve the poor.  Ned was gracious and understanding, and he even arranged a modest severance to ease my transition into a nonprofit salary.

Ned has been in the “supporting cast” of my life’s story for over three decades now, though we never spoke again; we moved from Kansas City to Chicago for WV, and he left IBM a few years later. But about 5 years ago, I realized that maybe I could find him through social media. Sure enough, I tracked him down: retired and living on Puget Sound near Seattle.  I was thrilled to connect and thank him via email, but a few months later on a trip to Seattle I rode a ferry out to take Ned to dinner.  I told him what had transpired in the quarter-century since his challenge, and how much meaning I've found in following my passion. We talked about former colleagues, our families, computers... and I made sure to tell him how transformational his honest-but-difficult words had been for me.  I rode the ferry back that evening and stood out on the deck, gazing at the Seattle skyline, feeling unusually full of gratitude and satisfaction.

During that 18 months between Ned's stinging honesty and my resignation, one career coaching book played a major role for me: What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles. The book exudes a gentle spirituality in reminding readers we are designed by a Creator with certain gifts and passions which we need to discover. I credit that (and World Vision magazine—we were already donors) with helping me realize that living for the Designer and embracing my unique design were critical to finding true meaning and satisfaction.  I recall sitting in a church pew one day, asking God once again for direction and guidance, and suddenly being overwhelmed with the possibility that God might actually tell me--what would I do then!  I realized right there that, if I wanted God to guide me, I had to commit to God beforehand to actually obey the guidance. For me, true commitment to God's Kingdom agenda started then and there.

Parachute has a wonderful exercise for readers: Write your life's story, and highlight what you’ve done well or really enjoyed. Then re-read it and look for common threads to discover your gifts, skills and passions based on your actual past choices, not just hopeful thinking. (I can't do the exercise justice here: buy the book or find the exercise online before trying it.)  As I re-read mine, I realized that even before my teen years I consistently chose jobs in business and sales, yet I was often involved in meeting human need, from UNICEF to hunger walks to volunteering with autistic children. Could those two threads have anything in common? I suddenly had an epiphany: Might organizations that do what I care about deeply use someone with my gifts and skills? I started exploring that question with humanitarian organizations and eventually found myself walking into Ned's office to resign.

Fast-forward 33 years: In 2014, I attended a very energetic conference on social innovation, and a friend introduced me to Gary, who turned out to be Parachute author Richard Bolles’ son! I gushed how much the book had meant to me, how I'd wanted to thank his dad for 30-plus years. "My dad's still alive and living here in the Bay Area. He'd love to hear from you!"

I wrote a long email to Dick, thanking him for his book and the impact of my career change.  Would he ever let me take him to lunch? Just a few months ago, I had that distinct pleasure.  Dick is a colorful character and still working actively on new projects into his 80's. He and his wife were delightful, and I was able to expunge the debt of gratitude I've had in my heart for so many years. 

A year after joining World Vision and moving to Chicago, I became lifelong friends with Mark, who died of cancer three years ago. We were both young and intense in our faith, and we fell in love with singer-songwriter Bob Bennett.  Over the decades and miles, Bob's music formed the soundtrack of our affection for one another.  I never met Bob, but I signed up for his email updates at some point, and as I was planning my final Chicago trip to see Mark before his passing, I read that Bob was now offering "house concerts." I found myself phoning Bob: Is there any chance he’d be in Chicago soon? No, but he had an extra day during an East Coast trip that actually overlapped with my trip to see Mark. For no charge but his plane ticket and a hotel room, Bob flew over to Chicago and gave Mark one of the surprises of his life, Bob sitting five feet from Mark and playing for two hours.  Mark alternated freely between shock, tears, worship and singing along with Bob. None of us witnesses will ever forget that evening, nor Bob's kindness.

Some months later, I invited Bob to lunch to tell him what he already knew: he'd given an incredible gift to my dear friend, and to me.  I couldn't possibly repay it, except that I knew how blessed Bob had been to freely exercise his own gifts for two life-long fans he never knew.

Some "debts" are not burdens to us at all. They are causes for great thanksgiving. They mark a life. To have been able to thank, bless, encourage (why would I ever try to repay?) four men who have played—willfully or unwittingly—such important roles in my life… Priceless.

With gratitude for you,

Cory

November 2015

Empathique

"Choose a word, no more than two syllables."

That was our instruction for doing a session of Centering Prayer.

It’s the perfect day for this retreat, in light of last night's horrific attacks in Paris and the beautiful weather.  Plus, it doesn’t seem right to be cheery or chatty or ‘productive’ this morning. I've never visited Paris, but who is not broken-hearted this morning at their tragedy, which in many ways is our shared tragedy.  

At this hosting church, a conglomeration of small buildings is interleaved with humble gardens and walking spaces. I'm writing while sitting around a small prayer garden with a single rose plant, a small statue and a circle of seasonal plants that apparently, given the "past their prime" condition, will never be rescued from the plastic pots in which they were purchased to be properly planted into the ground. But the informality and nearby freeway traffic don't seem to bother the busy bees and flitting butterflies.

Earlier, in our opening session before the silence began, we were instructed to experience Centering Prayer. One word would become your personal touchstone for the next 20 minutes, “a sacred word as the symbol of your intention to consent to God’s presence and action within.”  Whenever the mind wanders, return it gently to the word.  Words were suggested, such as God, Love, Abba, Peace. All seemed useful, but I wasn't happy with all of them. What's stirring in my heart? Empathy. Empathie. With a word that cuts so close to the nerve of my feelings, my wandering mind was easily returned to its reflection.

Empathy... envisioning the Bataclan concert hall and the other sites in Paris, where so many innocents were mowed down. Young people, couples, lovers, families out for a final balmy autumn evening.  It's hard to imagine a more idyllic setting, akin to Mozart saying that ‘it is in the evening after a good dinner, riding home in a lovely carriage that I am at my most creative’... when all seems well with the world and our guard is most down. A hospital leader was interviewed...'We tried to save as many of the injured as possible.' Meaning, more deaths in the hours that followed. And some survivors will no doubt offer lifelong disability. Les misérables.

Empathy... for parents, spouses, children, friends mourning such tragic losses.  Today, the day after, trying impossibly to make sense of all of it.  Politician and pundits having the unenviable task of both comforting and assuring the world's citizenry; pretending to have answers, fighting against rash decisions, the beginning of sleepless nights of worry to come, pushing to clarify their thoughts and accelerate their actions and reactions. US presidential candidates hoping for advantage by how they position themselves between toughness and wisdom, balancing between playing to the public mood and saying something meaningful.

Like the proverbial pebble cast into a pond, the ripples of empathie continue to expand as I “consent to God’s presence and action within.”

Empathy... for the Syrian refugees, already caught in such an intractable military and political crossfire, who will undoubtedly now have fewer options, be more distrusted for events not of their making, and who are surely destined to now become bit background characters in this drama.

Empathy... for the huge majority of Muslims worldwide who find the attacks abhorrent, personally and religiously. The West largely bifurcates Islam into two monolithic but equally incomprehensible camps: Sunni and Shite. It's much like thinking all of Christianity can be understood by focusing on the Catholics and Protestant factions of Northern Ireland. Muslims, including those who are our neighbors in the West, will not find life easy in the coming days, because of these actions of a radical fringe. I fear that many of the post-9/11 animosities will return.

Empathy??... for eight young men with automatic rifles and explosive belts who sprayed death, judgement and hateful destruction down on the City of Love last evening? God, does empathy extend that far? Isn't my 20 minutes up yet? What did they hate so much? Is it hate? One of the hostage takers at the Bataclan "explained" to a hostage that the attack was happening because of French involvement in Syria.  Why bother explaining anything? Was he suddenly struggling with the deaths he had caused, trying desperately to justify his actions now?

I don't know how far my empathy can extend. I do know that God's extends further. And I'm compelled to be like Jesus, who was trying to reflect who God is. 

The world could quickly return to its footing in the aftermath of 9/11, and whatever else is true or false, I know that things didn't turn out all that well after 9/11. The world doesn't seem a lot safer, because the underlying animosities and inability to truly understand are not resolved. Any peace we currently have seems simply the momentary absence of war, a near-illusion exploded in spasms such as last night’s.

I do remember back then, in my own rush to "respond decisively," feeling this nagging nudge that perhaps there is another way, a middle way, a via media that we collectively did not find, whether we tried or not. I for one, do not want to repeat those days and those decisions reflexively.

The prayer session ended, and we each wandered the campus silently. I went into the sanctuary at one point, sat and contemplated. Then I saw the stand of candles near the front and went up to light one for Paris.  Words flooded in: “A light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” Amen.

Whether we’ve been there or not, we all need Paris, the City of Light. Oh, that we might have light. And oh that we might seek ‘God’s presence and action within’ to truly know how to properly be empathique.

Vive la France.

Cory

November 2015